What I will do next year

I started this blog thinking I will write for posterity. My intentions were to keep a diary without having to keep one. However, I can see from my previous posts that I am shy. I somehow don't want to really show what is really going on. Next year, I want to change this. Although, at the same time I want to be careful to keep information that other people may not want to see their friends and relatives to see. This is going to be probably a little difficult but I think that I can manage. So, there. Next year I will write whatever abstraction I want to say without even making sense. And, I will include at least one post a week of what my life is really like. Maybe I will even post photos...who knows. I do however, want to begin to invite my friends to read and make comments if they want.
Right now the children are asleep. Sweet. I have this rare moment to write or read, or both. So far I have written. I also read some blogs and got inspired. Hence, all my renewed energy to communicate better. I hear noises from the bedroom....

Believing in a bening universe

It is the middle of the holidays, literally. But I am tired. Or, am I supposed to be tired? Confusion comes to me everyday. I want to believe my thoughts even though I already know they are not true. Not true at all. For instance, here I am only wanting to believe that all I am right now is tired when in reality we had wonderful days with Judy and her family. I almost got to forget that these were actually the holidays. Then, we arrived home last night and it sort of hit me again. I have got to go to sleep. No more thoughts. No more thoughts. Or, no more paying attention to thoughts. I can just see them pass by and notice....maybe.

Walking

Walking as in walking away. I have or had a friend whom I am not so close with anymore. It happened in mere moments or so it seemed. I have always been mesmerized by being able, or not, to know when things change or end. I imagine doing things for the absolute last time. I imagine enjoying things because it is the last time. But, I cannot always know. Maybe is not possible to know. Or is it? Other people around us would say that we didn't seem like friends. We dismissed their comments. It was not true for us. But it is true now. Or, maybe it is just space. I have been craving space to do things by myself for myself. This is my most common complaint. In my confusion I often think that I am not getting enough time for myself. As if this is even possible. I know this lack of personal time is a common complaint of mothers. It is such a cliche. But it seems real to me, especially in a moment of frustration or a day of extreme tiredeness like today.

Saturday

It is Saturday already. And the weekend before Thanksgiving. We are going to Montana and I am so excited about it. I wish we could move there. I wish we would move there.
Today the children almost staggered their naps but they didn't The staggering lasted about 40 minutes. M. and Big H. went to sleep. Little H. and I tried to convinced each other that we (me) wanted to sleep and at the same we (little H.) wanted to go downstairs to play with the train. It didn't work (nap for me) or the train playing (for little H.). Don't get me wrong we went downstairs we started playing then, little H. was showing signs of frutration, throwing things, and I held him and he fell asleep in my arms. Sweet. Really sweet.
Now I can write for a little while. Of course, I feel that I need to read and at the same time it is nice to write. Just to write.
It is not winter here this afternoon. It is sunny and actually kind of warm. Such is the life. In the morning chilly and sweaters (sometimes a windbreaker) and in the afternoon a short sleeve shirt.
Ok, I am convinced now I am going to read.....and make myself a cup of coffee.

It smells like rain

It is a strange smell. Earthly smell. I like the rain. Of all of sudden it is cold. It is winter. In other places it snows. It used to snow here too but now it only snows rarely. I think it snowed here last year but I don't remember exactly.
These days always remind me of eating chicken soup (caldo). I am tired today. I need a nap.

Dog on Fleas

I thought I should write today about this wonderful group of musicians. Music is so vital in my life. I used to control the boom box (read bose radio) but ever since I realized "what is going to happen will" I put it on a low table for my children to manage. Little H. always finds his favorite CD. Most of the time is the Dog's Cranberry Sauce Flotilla others is one of the CDs from Kindermusik. And we all sing and dance. Music is....so rhytmic (brilliant ha?)....in the afternoons when I get home this is how we mark time passing. We listen to music.

Another reason for not keeping up with writing

I cannot remember (never, ever) my [yet another] email account and password. Seriously, how can we be expected to remember the many ids/passwords combinations that we are supposed to in order to do these things? Not very convenient. Not at all.

But, on the other hand, here I am actually writing...today. Little H.... Hmmm....I was going to say "he didn't sleep well" but how would I know? He seemed to have had a very good time waking up at 11 pm and not going back to sleep until after he watched 1 Harold, listen to very wonderful music from Sarah Swersey, kissed everyone for a long time, and ate two pieces of dove chocolate (which he washed down with Perrier). Actually, from the perspective of today he was having a wonderful time. I wasn't. The way of it. The way of it.

Tonight I will be better....or not? or, tonight it will be better? Maybe only because I am more tired? I wish I can always remember to look at things in the present from the perspective of the next day. That is my lesson.

What I do when I don't write in my own blog

I read other mothers' blogs Kate Hopper, Allison Winn Scotch (although less of her because I am intimidated), This Mom, and Dawn Friedman. I love the mother[ing] perspective that Kate, This Mom, and Dawn share in their blogs. For me it is not about writing but about sharing, really seeing what other mothers are doing regarding, very likely, the same issues that I deal with every day. It is so helpful, actually, to see what other women do with their children. Learning vicariously.

One-second-one, two-second-two

....as this applies to patience...I often think that the most necessary thing (skill) to learn in life is...patience...and at school? biology, not math. I had math every single year that I attended school (in Mexico) from first grade until high school. I now think I should have had biology or science.

Fall as in falling

More like in the weather not in going down. I like fall. It is a season that I recognize early on even before the weather really changes. I noticed our first cold (more as in cool and not freezing) night last night. It was very nice to go under the covers with my children. Actually, it is a moment of the day that I really look forward to. Here in the dessert it gets cold at night and somewhat warm, maybe even hot, during the day. It is a strange combination of temperatures. My hair sometimes react by being "flightly" it separates in thin strands or it looses its weight completely, hence the word flightly. My skin gets dry but not uncomfortably dry. I apply moisturizer and feels better immediately.

And, my mind wants to think hard. I go into an inward exploration so, it is easy to question my thoughts and decide what has to go and not crowd my life.

Meaning

The main purpose of this blog is to allow myself a place to speak out. Like a diary. I don't have any other agenda. I just want to talk, I mean write. Mostly to give me a space to question my thoughts.

My son, who is 2 years and 7 months, doesn't speak with words although he does communicate. He points to, pulls and pushes me to get what he needs. However, this situation has/is making me re-think all I know. I question my thinking one hundred or one million times a day.

He should be speaking turns around (almost immediately, which may not be very helpful) into I should be speaking and communicating more effectively and do I? And, how do I feel when I think he should be speaking? Where does it feel in my body? It feels in my heart and I begin imagining he will never speak. Then, I realize how untrue is this thought. He will be who he is with or without my approval.

finding words

Thus, here I am. I finally did it. This blog is my attempt at communicating better. I am going to hit the button now to see how this looks.