5 years old

Our daughter is now 5 years old (not today, tomorrow). We had a celebration at school. Milagros was shy and, sort of, clinged to me the whole time. She didn't want to do the traditional ceremony that Montessori children do at school. She had a little trouble even tolerating when people, her classmates and friends, were singing happy birthday in three different languages, English, Spanish and Italian. I enjoyed it. She enjoyed in her own way. Afterwards, she couldn't wait to go home. Later on, we went to the grocery store to get cough drops and salad stuff for tomorrow. I was delighted, the whole time we were there she was acting so mature. She was wanting to be so helpful. Helping with the bags. Helping with his brother. I was pleasantly surprised. Not that she is, what is called, a difficult child but normally she gets what she wants, waits for me, walks in front, gets to the car first, asks to be seated first....etc. Not today. Today, it was almost like someone turned on a switch and she was different. Happy Birthday, Milagros!

The Chinese Year

That is what I meant when I said I was going to start blogging regularly in the new year. The Chinese year. Hmmmm...not really but suddenly last week I realized that I had continued to read my regular blogs and search for other interesting blogs and again I had, sort of, forgotten my own blog. So, here I ago. I re-committ to start again with weekly posts. And, more real posts about my real life.
So, about two weeks ago I got emails inviting and warning me. The messages said that I was invited to the 25th high school reunion while another message was warning me that I was receing that second message because I hadn't responded to the first one. Except, I got the messages back to back. Not like I was ignoring it. And, I sent a message back saying so. But, all the while I kept thinking that the second message was right I was probably ignoring the issue in the first place. I am such a different person now that I feel like 25 years are a lifetime, which they are, I know but still. I know that I would not go to any dance of evening get together so maybe the second message was right. Right? But, actually part of me (a small part) would like to go and see these people. There are some of them that I don't remember too well but there are some that I remember better and I even fantasize that we become friends again. Although I must admit that they (I?) live in another world even though we are not physically distant a river (literally) runs through it because the border between the US and Mexico is separated by the Rio Bravo also known at the Rio Grande on this side of the border.

What I will do next year

I started this blog thinking I will write for posterity. My intentions were to keep a diary without having to keep one. However, I can see from my previous posts that I am shy. I somehow don't want to really show what is really going on. Next year, I want to change this. Although, at the same time I want to be careful to keep information that other people may not want to see their friends and relatives to see. This is going to be probably a little difficult but I think that I can manage. So, there. Next year I will write whatever abstraction I want to say without even making sense. And, I will include at least one post a week of what my life is really like. Maybe I will even post photos...who knows. I do however, want to begin to invite my friends to read and make comments if they want.
Right now the children are asleep. Sweet. I have this rare moment to write or read, or both. So far I have written. I also read some blogs and got inspired. Hence, all my renewed energy to communicate better. I hear noises from the bedroom....

Believing in a bening universe

It is the middle of the holidays, literally. But I am tired. Or, am I supposed to be tired? Confusion comes to me everyday. I want to believe my thoughts even though I already know they are not true. Not true at all. For instance, here I am only wanting to believe that all I am right now is tired when in reality we had wonderful days with Judy and her family. I almost got to forget that these were actually the holidays. Then, we arrived home last night and it sort of hit me again. I have got to go to sleep. No more thoughts. No more thoughts. Or, no more paying attention to thoughts. I can just see them pass by and notice....maybe.

Walking

Walking as in walking away. I have or had a friend whom I am not so close with anymore. It happened in mere moments or so it seemed. I have always been mesmerized by being able, or not, to know when things change or end. I imagine doing things for the absolute last time. I imagine enjoying things because it is the last time. But, I cannot always know. Maybe is not possible to know. Or is it? Other people around us would say that we didn't seem like friends. We dismissed their comments. It was not true for us. But it is true now. Or, maybe it is just space. I have been craving space to do things by myself for myself. This is my most common complaint. In my confusion I often think that I am not getting enough time for myself. As if this is even possible. I know this lack of personal time is a common complaint of mothers. It is such a cliche. But it seems real to me, especially in a moment of frustration or a day of extreme tiredeness like today.

Saturday

It is Saturday already. And the weekend before Thanksgiving. We are going to Montana and I am so excited about it. I wish we could move there. I wish we would move there.
Today the children almost staggered their naps but they didn't The staggering lasted about 40 minutes. M. and Big H. went to sleep. Little H. and I tried to convinced each other that we (me) wanted to sleep and at the same we (little H.) wanted to go downstairs to play with the train. It didn't work (nap for me) or the train playing (for little H.). Don't get me wrong we went downstairs we started playing then, little H. was showing signs of frutration, throwing things, and I held him and he fell asleep in my arms. Sweet. Really sweet.
Now I can write for a little while. Of course, I feel that I need to read and at the same time it is nice to write. Just to write.
It is not winter here this afternoon. It is sunny and actually kind of warm. Such is the life. In the morning chilly and sweaters (sometimes a windbreaker) and in the afternoon a short sleeve shirt.
Ok, I am convinced now I am going to read.....and make myself a cup of coffee.

It smells like rain

It is a strange smell. Earthly smell. I like the rain. Of all of sudden it is cold. It is winter. In other places it snows. It used to snow here too but now it only snows rarely. I think it snowed here last year but I don't remember exactly.
These days always remind me of eating chicken soup (caldo). I am tired today. I need a nap.